My own Jekyll and Hyde - Silence and Conversing

Good Morning, Motherlovers..

Sometimes, I feel like a total cunt. I know I can be. Things I say come out so mean and hurtful sometimes and it is so natural to me to speak in such ways that it surprises me when people find something I say offensive, especially when, I think and hope, I choose my words carefully.

And as a blogger, I don't do my best to choose my words carefully, I just speak'em and type'em, the way it would be had you and I had a conversation in person. That's just me typing, but let's backtrack to the conversation part, because when it comes to actually HAVING a conversation with in real life, it can go one or two ways.

I can talk your ear off or I can have absolutely nothing to say. At all. No comment. No thoughts. Nothing. No matter how much I find the topic interesting and how long we've known each other has nothing to do with which way it goes.

Does that make me a bitch?

Because I don't feel like interacting 24/7?

Do I have to talk on a daily basis?

Pretend to listen and give feedback?

Oh and this has nothing to do with me actually having to talk to others for a living...wink, wink...
Maybe a little...

And this is nothing new to me. I love my own space. I love being alone. I like thinking to myself and talking to myself, out loud may i add. I have come a long way from my old form and to sit here and feel awkward for not wanting to have a conversation really doesn't sit well with me. Especially, when the norm makes it expected, even when it seems that face to face interactions happens seldom, since we live in a glass cell.

I guess because I value silence.

I used to think silence was a weird position to be in - go to parties with your friends and have to strike up a conversation or be on break and have to talk about whatever conversation has been started in the table - and in all these years on Earth I have come to realize that silence should be welcomed and cherished!

Now, depending on how I feel that day, where my head happens to be, Silence can either be deafening or it can be a moment of beauty. Since, I happen to change moods randomly, like any other human, I can be caught at either one and you can either get Barbie, who is willing to talk all day and all night, have conversations of how far we can go, how grand we can fail and how happy we can be, or just listen to you vent about whatever it is you need to vent about. I can do that, when I feel like I want to do that or we can enjoy the golden stillness of the air and we can bask in it and be blissful. I don't have to make small talk and pretend to be interested in whatever it is your trying to say, because I don't want to hear it. I just want to BE in your presence. The eyes are the windows to the soul, or so we say.

A lot more is said with our body language than our words. Instead of lips moving, we can have them rest easy, if only for a while. I adore them because I am expected to speak daily with everyone, even strangers and these give me a fresh breath of air.

Then there is this Barbs, that wants nothing to do with anyone from the outside world. I feel like an alien just observing human activity, and in silence? She gets in this mood and wants to be away from the world and everyone in it so much so, I can't stand it and it scares me into my own being that won't shut up and I become the dreaded calm. And it is a daunting few days and I have to fight myself to find myself again - and soon, we are back to harmonious bliss.

I know someone else feels this way, too. I can't be alone in this, right? Out of seven billion? I wish Chubs knew what silence meant. 

A woman can dream.

Chubb-Chub and I say Good Day! Mind the Hair!

At least I have writing, you're the MVP.

Coffee in hand, writting today's news of another human in the same planet you live in.

Let's be golden for a few minutes, doll.

Muah!